A while back a friend of mine told me that she thought I was a bit of a mystery. I was shocked! I always thought I was an open book. My close friends would tell you that I am incredibly open, even sharing TOO much information at times! But this person’s perception of me was that I was hard to get to know. So I took a hard look at that and it made me want to be more vulnerable and genuine in my relationships. Not just with my closest friends, but also with more casual acquaintances and even my clients. After all, if I’m desiring authenticity and vulnerability from others, maybe I’m the one who has to show it first.
So here goes.
I’ve never lived alone. I mean, I guess I lived alone for a month when I first moved into my house, but I was busy painting and decorating and not really in the day to day that is normal life. Well that’s all changing. My roommate Nicole got married March 12th and I’ve decided it’s time for me to live alone.
It’s been an interesting 8 months or so. My last roommate, Heidi, got married November 7th. Nicole moved in November 8th, got engaged December 17th and married, like I said, March 12th. My house has been a busy place with lots of wedding planning going on.
So the running joke has been that if you move in with me you’ll be sure to get married pretty quick. I’ve joked that it’s good for business and that I’m going to put it in the rental contract (which doesn’t exist) that in order to be my roommate you have to agree to have me photograph your wedding and book a minimum package. 🙂 Other people have said that that bedroom must be the magic room and maybe I should move into that room so that some of the magic will rub off on me. Well, first of all, I’m not going to do that because my closet is like 5 times bigger than the one in that room, and second, it’s not the room, it’s me! This has happened with two other roommates in two other apartments!
And while I’ve thought it was funny and even joked about it myself, it kinda hurts. The more times I’ve heard those jokes, the more it stings. I even started to believe that maybe this was my lot in life; marry everyone else off and just take pretty pictures of it. I’m trying really hard not to believe that.
People have asked me recently if I had single girls lining up at the door to be my roommate. Well, no, they’re not, but even if they were, I think I might need to turn them away. I’ve felt pretty clear that I’m supposed to live alone right now.
That’s a pretty big deal for me. I’ve often said that I didn’t think it would be good for me to live alone. When I had a “normal” job where I went to an office and was around people all day, I loved coming home to a quiet house. But now, work IS at home. For the most part I’m alone all day, so it’s nice when someone comes home at night that I can talk with or even just be in the same room with.
When I was in Vegas (of all places) for WPPI last month, I felt like God was telling me that if I would choose to not drown out the silence with a bunch of noise (i.e. tv, music, internet), this would be a really important time. That seemed like a big deal.
So I am choosing, for this season, to be alone.
I’m excited to see what this chapter is all about. It feels new. It feels different. I don’t know how long it will be. That’s not for me to know. I’m excited for what God’s been teaching me already. I am excited to share it with you, my friends here, as I desire to be more and more vulnerable.
What chapter are you in?
Above: Los Angeles Central Library. If you’ve never been, go! It’s beautiful!