August 26, 2011

A Little More Peace

I’ve been hesitating… more like avoiding posting this all week.  But here goes.

The subject of dating and marriage can sometimes be a sensitive topic for me. Oh, not about other people’s relationships. I talk with couples all the time and get genuinely excited with them about their relationships and proposals and wedding plans. But in regards to my own life… well that’s another story. I’ve only even mentioned it a couple of times on here because, honestly, it’s a little embarrassing. But in this new chapter characterized by a spirit of vulnerability, I want to share some of my thoughts recently.

It seems like lately I’ve been hearing about a bunch of people I’ve dated getting engaged or being in serious relationships. One guy I went out with last summer……… LAST SUMMER!!!! got married a couple of weeks ago!  Woah! It’s enough to make a girl feel like she’s the only single person out there! And I can start to feel very alone. It’s easy for me, then, to start thinking about it a lot. Obsessing about how I might meet someone and why I haven’t yet until it consumes my mind and becomes the motivation behind a lot of my actions.  I’ve spent WAY too much mental energy over the years trying to figure out what’s wrong with me and fix things about myself.  I’ve  believed that I needed someone to save me from being alone, which comes with all sorts of unrealistic expectations. Not only that, but I’ve often made an idol of the idea of marriage, putting a whole lot of pressure on another person and looking for a savior, when there’s only One Savior and I’ve already got Him.

And honestly, in the time of being without a roommate (which is going to end in about a week… more on that some other time) I’ve begun to really enjoy being by myself.  I’ve been soaking in the quiet.  Last night I sat in the back yard under my magic lights (that’s what I call them) and ate my dinner with the sound of the fountain bubbling behind me.  I took a breath and thanked God for this wonderful, peaceful moment.

So while I’ve had brief pity parties, God has been working on my perspective.

A few weeks ago I was talking with my mom on the phone and she asked me if I was doing any internet dating right now.  I said no, not right now.  She told me I’d better be careful.  I asked her why, assuming my paranoid mother was going to launch into some horror story she heard on the news of someone getting chopped into pieces by someone they met on the internet.  You know, the “normal” concerned mother stuff.  🙂  But instead she said, “Because my Bible study is praying for you to find “the one”.

I giggled.  That’s not what I expected at all!

I’ll admit… there are times, especially in regards to this desire to get married and have a family, when I’ve felt like God just doesn’t hear me.  I’ve thought that maybe if I had the right people praying for me, God would listen to THEM since He clearly didn’t seem to be listening to me.  So, as I hung up that day, I felt a sense of relief.  Like a weight had been lifted.  Kinda like when you’re carrying something by yourself that’s almost too heavy for you to carry on your own, then two people join you and it’s suddenly bearable.  It felt like I wasn’t alone in this anymore.

Not like I ever really was.

On Saturday I shot a wedding with my friend Kate Noelle. The couple was in their 40’s and neither of them had been married before. Both of them light up when talking about the other and they couldn’t stop thanking God for clearly orchestrating their meeting in His perfect timing.

As I listened to them talk about how it was so worth the wait, my heart smiled.  I couldn’t help but feel encouraged. There was a peace that seemed to blanket the entire day and crept into my heart.  And while I hope that it will happen for me sooner than later (please let it be before I’m 40!!!!!  I wanna have kids!), I am encouraged, knowing that God is faithful.  He’s got a firm hold on me and I am so thankful for the experiences and people that have been and are shaping me.  I’m grateful for the times that have made the pictures of who God is and who I am a little clearer.

So I wait.  But now with a little more trust that God knows what He’s doing.  And with a little more peace than I had a few days ago.


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